like plum blossoms in the wind, existence is fake.

i couldn't say how long i sat in bed, staring at paper. wondering who to address this to. the person who tore open my eyes or the person who tore apart my life. after a while the lead dulled, the eraser wasn't even good in the first place. so i sat down at this desk with new paper.. and a pen this time. ink is permanent, consistent, qualities that are completely essential to me at this point. something you told me you could provide, something i was promised.. something i believed. no one should ever be this vulnerable, but then again not everyone has to experience this weakness. if i maintain this strong independent mask i'm just as much a liar as you are. i'm scared and lost. don't you dare flatter yourself with the credit for that. it's because of what i let myself feel. safe. but you've made it obvious that was a bad choice. you amplified every emotion i have ever felt. because they were finally honest.. i never wanted to see you unhappy. i thought you'd want the same for me. i was stupid for letting myself feel like this. stepping back from the situation it wasn't the least bit logical or intelligent. but that doesn't make it any less real. i never made you do a thing for me, all i asked for was help. be there for me. that was too much for you? you know whats happening so much more than i do, you have found who you are. you've been set for a while. i wasn't the first person you opened up to. you were mine. it was completely ignorant to let myself feel like this. completely. however i do realize it wouldn't be like every other relationship. i thought you were someone else not because i assumed it, but because i had your word. i'm pulling slowly out of this mess with a lot learned and a lot stronger. you broke down walls in both good and bad ways. and right now i'm scrambling to put them all back up. i'm moving on but not forgetting. i will always be vulnerable to memories.